Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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