She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
