ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
