I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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