The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
