So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
