this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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