I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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