all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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