Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
