this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
