Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
