I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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