What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
