I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
