see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
