Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
