I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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