It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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