hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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