you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
