I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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