i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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