The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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