now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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