I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
