I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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