I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
