I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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