Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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