Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
