and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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