Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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