Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
