It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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