I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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