Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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