i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
