the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
