im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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