I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
