I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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