Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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