Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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