He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
