mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
