I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
