lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
