I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
