Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
